Got my heart broken today. It was warning me for a while now, and I just assumed that it'll mend itself while I occupy my mind with distractions. Alas, the more I'd put my hands on my ears, the louder it cried. And today it just broke. It happened completely randomly - I was just about to take a shower.
As per usual I had my phone with me, just to have something to sing a long with (god forbid I stay alone with my thoughts), even though I hadn't changed that playlist since 2009 and most of songs have been so severely worn out that they had no substance left. And I was playing the usual game with the gods of shuffle - when I ask a question and they answer through the next song. After a fun round, I asked where my life is going. Conveniently enough I stood in front of the mirror stark naked when the answering song replied with "You're gonna lose your soul".
A quick smile, since I respond to irony more easily then to substance, and then a sheer drop. The scariest scare and the saddest sadness.
Cliché as it may be, I still have no idea what hit me. And what it is that I'm left with.
Nor do I know what do do with it.
Cause life never ever gives you lemons. It gives you some disturbing questions that you're too scared to answer, it leaves you helpless, it shakes what you stand for... and fuck me if I know how one makes a lemonade out of that mess.

this is who I am now

...only two more sleeps til the rest of my life. I am moving to Malta on Friday. Got the job and everything. Didn't really process all that up till now. I was so eager to "reinvent myself" that I didn't really realize that I'll never come back to the life I'm leaving. Friends, mostly. I guess I'll just turn into one of those people who come home only for a week once a year, always in a hurry, constantly nostalgic, looking back on memories even while still making them..
Is that a good thing? A bad thing? How will I handle it? How does one handle that?
Baby steps I guess.
Off to pack my suitcase.