nat nat, skat

Plane to Munich. Happy 8th of March. I somehow turned into a woman. I'm on my way "home", a small, yellow piece of rock in the middle of the Mediterranean sea, going to a country that I, at the moment, and completely by chance, call home. One pure soul made Malta my home.

We are about to take off. Maybe some day, when I learn to not want to control everything around me all the time, maybe I'll learn not to be scared of the take-off. It was never about a fear of dying, I have never been afraid of that. But just the thought of loosing control scares the shit out of me.
But that aside, I just love to travel. Especially alone. Or if not alone, then in a company of those who know how to be alone.

I always learn so much about myself when I travel. If you purchase your ticket now, a metaphysical journey of self-discovery will be included in the ticket price.
Enjoy your flight :)

Aaaaaanyway..

I already mentioned how I've managed to turn into a woman. Grew up before I knew it. I am 28 now, soon 29. Most people know what they (want to be) doing in this age. Not me. Still looking for what's my path. It seems to me that I'll never experience that Eureka-feeling of complete self-awareness, but that's ok, too. Because, as I see it, sooner or later, we are all bound to recognize "the big picture". Some experience that in a moment, while the others spend their whole lives collecting the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle of who they are. I'm quite fine with the fact that I'm one of those jigsaw-people. Because happiness is slow and graduate, and here to stay. I can't really complain :)

So, as said, I am still on that path of self-discovery. Malta is a wonderful experience, but before anything else, Malta is a pit-stop. It is a priceless and a must-have experience, but it does not find it's place in the future. Rather than that, it's a piece of past.
And Copenhagen is the place of future. Culture, bicycles,  language, the job, system and people. I should be there soon. If only I get my papers.If it's meant to be, I will get them. If not, then me and Dk might not be a match. We'll see. I'm looking forward to it. I feel like we might be a match. Little serbian in Denmark. Already managed to find loopholes. Oh well. it was the only way. I guess I proved one thing - if there's a will, I'll find the way. That's one of the bigger pieces of my jigsaw-puzzle.

Vi ses, Dk :)

Got my heart broken today. It was warning me for a while now, and I just assumed that it'll mend itself while I occupy my mind with distractions. Alas, the more I'd put my hands on my ears, the louder it cried. And today it just broke. It happened completely randomly - I was just about to take a shower.
As per usual I had my phone with me, just to have something to sing a long with (god forbid I stay alone with my thoughts), even though I hadn't changed that playlist since 2009 and most of songs have been so severely worn out that they had no substance left. And I was playing the usual game with the gods of shuffle - when I ask a question and they answer through the next song. After a fun round, I asked where my life is going. Conveniently enough I stood in front of the mirror stark naked when the answering song replied with "You're gonna lose your soul".
A quick smile, since I respond to irony more easily then to substance, and then a sheer drop. The scariest scare and the saddest sadness.
Cliché as it may be, I still have no idea what hit me. And what it is that I'm left with.
Nor do I know what do do with it.
Cause life never ever gives you lemons. It gives you some disturbing questions that you're too scared to answer, it leaves you helpless, it shakes what you stand for... and fuck me if I know how one makes a lemonade out of that mess.

this is who I am now

...only two more sleeps til the rest of my life. I am moving to Malta on Friday. Got the job and everything. Didn't really process all that up till now. I was so eager to "reinvent myself" that I didn't really realize that I'll never come back to the life I'm leaving. Friends, mostly. I guess I'll just turn into one of those people who come home only for a week once a year, always in a hurry, constantly nostalgic, looking back on memories even while still making them..
Is that a good thing? A bad thing? How will I handle it? How does one handle that?
Baby steps I guess.
Off to pack my suitcase.

nobody here

I'm not quite sure who found who first - was it me that found this song or was it the other way around? Either way. It is rather mesmerizing together with that video, and it's wiggly, rainbowy path got me thinking about all the sorts of escapisms that we rush ourselves into, only in order to avoid talking to the one person we never ought to have avoided - ourselves. And we keep that story ongoing until the day we find ourselves staring in the mirror at some face we don't even recognize anymore.
If I needed to find only one word that should describe my brain right now, that'd be "polluted". Let me explain that. Once, I've seen an interview with J. G. Ballard where he talks about misperception of reality. Namely, he says that reality was everything that surrounded us, and what was in our minds was cosidered to be imagination. Now, with all the commercials, all the promises of a happier life (given that our laundry is whiter than that of our neighbours), with all the means of self-promotion (facebook, twitter, and yes, this too), with all those "freedoms" we have only managed to narrow ourselves down to only few basic patterns of existence. With ALL that, imagination becomes everything that surrounds us, and the only reality we can rely on is the one in our heads.
But what happens when we've stopped listening to that inner us so long that we can now barely find it?




What?
Are you waiting for me to answer that?



I can only offer you some guidance in a form of this song.
PJ's got it.
She always kinda does :)







Oh, and by the way, Fever Ray did a Nick Cave cover.
Wait.
Let me repeat that.
Fever Ray and Nick Cave have actually merged.
I couldn't possibly ask for more now.